Sunday, December 28, 2008

Women's Dating Hang Ups

Women’s personal ads are notorious for being picky, picky, picky. Everything’s gotta be as perfect as they imagined it when they were playing with the Barbie Dreamhouse or no dice. Whereas male single’s ads amount to “let’s trade pics and meet if we both like what we see?” women have these freaking laundry lists and more qualifications than your average job listing.

Here are the ones that annoy me the most:

Ambitious/going somewhere - Hey, some of us are just trying to work and enjoy life when we’re not working. What the hell are we supposed to do- waste our lives in a never-ending pursuit of the next fucking thing? Try living in the moment for once- you may not get another one. Every time humans get all busy bad shit goes down. Bombs get built. Oil spills. Wal-Mart’s go up. Banks get bailouts. Those ambitious guys are a bunch of dicks.

Tall - The average male is around 5’9. Considerably more are shorter. You are denying entire continents of men the chance to be your mate. Are you trying to breed some race of human giraffes? Will you not be satisfied until another generation of houses has to get built because your progeny keep bumping their heads on door frames? Are you incapable of liking anyone if you can’t make eye contact with their nipples? (In which case I kinda understand.) Leaving shorties out of the rotation drastically reduces the number of sexual positions you will be able to perform in your life- go ahead and cross off the Chihuahua and the Rumplstiltskin. Besides, the lesbian you dated in college was 5’2”, if you can date her you can date a short guy.

Financially $table - Why’s it gotta be like that? Like unemployed people don’t need love too? You might have a great time eating mac and cheese in a tent by a mountain stream. You might have the best sex of your life with that guy who waits for the bus every morning cuz he doesn’t have a car. Besides- all the young guys out there don’t start out making high dollar. You girls are just asking to date your Dad, and that’s just gross, because he doesn’t even look like Harrison Ford.

No drinking/drugs - We ALL drink and/or do drugs! Those that don’t have some serious fucking neuroses or are complete assholes to hang around. Would you rather date some OCD Amish pedophile or a shit-faced rockstar? Or what about a shitface who thinks he’s a rockstar? Drugs can do that for you.

Clean cut/not hairy - What? Your female ancestors selected generations of hairy men. Hairy faces, backs and chests. What the hell do you know that they don’t? Why do you want to date some overgrown child-man? That lesbian you dated in college was pretty hairy too, if you can date her, you can date a hairy guy. Just pretend you’re grizzly wrestling when you have sex.

Well-endowed - Women actually state this in their ads- it’s like a guy putting “have big tits“ in his ad - classy. I know that vibrator companies have gotten you used to impaling yourself on a a 12-inch jugga-knob, but the average human penis is in the neighborhood of 5” to 6”. Those horse-cocked guys can’t stay hard without medication or olympic circulation. And I know you women are fond of reminding us that it’s clitoral stimulation that really gets you off, so why don’t you just get a tiny-dicked guy who twitches like a hummingbird in the sack? If a guy’s pecker isn’t satisfying enough, take two- they’re small.

In conclusion, your 6’2” filthy-rich, horse-cocked, smooth-skinned teetotaler is an increasingly tiny portion of the population. Love now with an imperfect guy is better than pining after some perfect specimen who will likely have no interest in you, cuz he’s probably gay. And if he isn’t, then he’s probably an arrogant prick, and won’t give you the time of day because he’s got his own damn list, and you are not a 32” DD bi-sexual nymphomaniac chef into threesomes and swinging. (On the off chance you are, feel free to email me.)

We’re all just people after all- little apes walking about- we might as well meet and enjoy as many different
people as we can. We’ll never truly know who we’ll like until we get over stupid hang-ups and treat people like human beings instead of disappointments. And we’ll all get laid. How awesome is that?

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